Josh Hawley, Missouri’s firstterm junior U.S. senator, works overtime to try to make himself sound like a big deal.

But he comes off sounding as credible as a porta potty labeled “Jackass.” Yes, the potty might look normal, but upon stepping inside, the plastic toilet room will be launched into the sky, fall and then bounce around on a bungee cord, drenching the occupant, who should have known better than to enter.

Over and over, Hawley’s office sends out press releases telling what “Hawley demands.” Here are a half-dozen of his releases issued since December and headlined…

• March 16 – “Hawley demands open hearings on U.S. withdrawl...”

• Feb. 16 – “Hawley demands Biden administration…”

• Feb. 1 – “Hawley demands answers and illegal aliens…”

• Jan. 18 – “Hawley demands explanation for how Islamic terrorist…”

• Jan. 11 – “Hawley demands answers after Intel apologizes…”

• Jan. 5 – “Hawley demands DOS and DHS rescind new policies…”

Here is a clue for Hawley. He is not so important that anyone cares what he demands, other than the rabble he has sought repeatedly to rouse before, during and since the shameful insurrection of Jan. 6, 2021.

Hawley’s incessant demands, and tenure in Congress, are reminiscent of demands issued by Veruca Salt during her visit to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. And everyone knows where that “I want it now” tantrum led the demanding Miss Salt – right down the old poop chute with the other bad eggs.

After Miss Salt went into the hole, those delightful Oompa Loompas had a song ready, which paraphrased to fit this situation and their tune, went something like this…

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo,

I’ve got a Hawley puzzle for you.

Oompa Loompa doompadee dee,

If you are wise you will listen to me. Who do you blame

Who do you blame

if the kid is a brat,

pampered and spoiled

like a silver-tongued rat?

Surely some voters

share in the shame,

but you know exactly who’s to blame:

who’s to blame:

Mitch McConnell and his brothers!

Oompa Loompa doompadee dar,

if you’re not spoiled

then you will go far.

You will live in happiness, too

Like the Oompa Loompa

doompadee do.

Putting aside the Chocolate Factory comparison, Hawley needs to get over himself.

On the one hand, to start press releases with “Hawley demands” might make him sound like a powerful Senate leader, but only in his own mind. When time after time what he demands is rightly ignored as nothing more than political posturing, he comes off looking like the deflated remnants of the Tom

Turkey balloon after the Macy’s

Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Rather than stamping his feet and pouting, Hawley might consider the time has come for a more dignified tactic. Sure, chances are he will be ignored just the same, but at least he will sound more level-headed. A more mature approach to his headlines might be…

• Feb. 16 – “Hawley seeks Biden administration’s assurance…”

• Feb. 1 – “Hawley seeks answers and illegal aliens…”

• Jan. 18 – “Hawley seeks explanation for how Islamic terrorist…”

• Jan. 11 – “Hawley seeks answers after Intel apologizes…”

• Jan. 5 – “Hawley seeks DOS and DHS rescission of new policies…”

• Dec. 9 – “Hawley seeks accountability…”

The phrasing lacks the same chest-thumping bellicosity as “Hawley demands,” but if results rather than headlines are the goal, then bridge-building phrasing is far more realistic and far less antagonistic as an approach to getting answers.

And maybe, just maybe, a conciliatory approach might get a few answers... Doompadee do.

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